Senioritis Sweeps Through the Class of 2023
It’s that time of year again. The flu and cold are whipping through every class, and you’re trying to politely avoid the kid sneezing right at you as your teacher explains some sort of triangle theorem. But in the 12th grade, there’s a particularly contagious virus going around. Using my extensive knowledge of epidemiology, I have diagnosed it as senioritis.
The symptoms are apparent: as the disease progresses, seniors become more and more tired. While investigating the outbreak, I noticed many of the infected were fast asleep on tables or couches or desks in their ILS class. I interviewed a few anonymous seniors across campus about their experiences. After I interrupted a lively conversation covering anything but academics, one commented, “You get home from school and sports and look at all the homework you have and don’t feel up to doing it.” Another continued, “Then you go to sleep before doing your work…” That doesn’t sound all that bad, you may be thinking, if only I could sleep all the time. Do not fall prey to such fantasizing!
One thing I learned from my discussions with the 12th graders: senioritis is more widespread than previously thought. Every single person I asked reported symptoms. This is a serious matter. If we cannot stop the contagion, the entire class may be forced to quarantine for at least a week. In the more advanced stages, senioritis can cause chronic class-skipping. One interviewee, sitting serenely on a bench, revealed he “skipped first period today,” although admitted he didn’t regularly play hooky “yet.” Extrapolations from previous outbreaks reveal that if we don’t find a cure soon, seniors will be experiencing weekly class absence and the urge to prank the entire school.
Experts are assessing methods of containment. Studies on the virus show that masks and face shields have no effect at all. The scientists originally postulated it was contracted from years of drinking school coffee, but laboratory results revealed that the brew was entirely harmless (excepting its high concentration of radioactive plutonium ore). After many sleepless nights full of head-scratching and data-analyzing, befuddled scientists found that the disease is spread by college acceptances. They are warning students to steer clear of any letters with a return address including the word ‘university’ for fear of infection.
The school administration has considered courses of action. First, they will sanitize all surfaces in the school. If that doesn’t work, they plan to inject an experimental medicine into the ice-cream sandwiches. As a last resort, a COVID-esque lockdown is in store for the entire grade. Every step must be taken to prevent that outcome.
Now that you know the facts (the 100% true facts that included in my article? Yes, those facts), you understand the risks. Our community has to come together to fight against this contagion. With your help, Senioritis can be conquered once and for all!
